Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
