I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I am naked and annoyed.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
