Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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