My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
