im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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