i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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