Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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