this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
