The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
