i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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