he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
