Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
