2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
