I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
