I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
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Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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