I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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