i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
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A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
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EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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