This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
