Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
