when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
