youre lurking in front of me
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Randomize
