I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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