She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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