i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
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