we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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