happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
