the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
