areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
