I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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