i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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