Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
