My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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