does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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