Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
