the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
