my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
