Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
