i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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