I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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