we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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