I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
birth control should be required to get into college
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
