hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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