i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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