Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
