Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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