I need help removing her.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
