i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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