New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
