If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Randomize
