I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
is that a dick in a sweater?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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