Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
