I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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