dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
