just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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