I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
