i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
