We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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