Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
